Why We Forget People Exist (Emotional Object Permanence)

Have you ever felt inexplicably disconnected from people you truly care about? If you’re living with ADHD or dyslexia, you might notice these waves of distance more often than most. In the latest podcast, Stephen Martin delves into a fascinating concept called emotional object permanence—how our brains struggle to hold onto feelings when we can’t see them.

This episode explores how losing that emotional spark can happen quickly if there’s nothing visual or immediate to keep it alive. Stephen discusses why self-awareness, good communication, and simple reminders can have a huge impact on staying connected with loved ones. He also examines how difficulty with working memory in ADHD and dyslexia contributes to these challenges.

What Is Emotional Object Permanence?

Emotional object permanence is the idea that feelings or relationships can fade from our attention when they’re not in front of us. Imagine how toddlers believe a toy disappears if they can’t see it. That sense of “out of sight, out of mind” often applies to emotional bonds too.

For adults with dyslexia or ADHD, this can be painfully real. We know people we love are important, but we sometimes lose the emotional intensity unless there’s a clear reminder. It doesn’t mean you’re careless; your brain is simply organised differently.

Why ADHD and Dyslexia Make It Tricky

Working memory is your brain’s Post-it note, and it can feel a bit too small if you have ADHD or dyslexia. Emotions, tasks, or conversations can slide off that mental note if you’re not careful. Over time, this might damage relationships if those around you mistake disconnection for disinterest.

Stephen explains that staying present with others can require more intentional effort—especially when you have a busy mind that struggles to hold onto emotional experiences. Realising that this is just part of how you’re wired is the first step toward managing it more effectively.

Visual Cues and Bonding

It’s no secret we need prompts to remember things. Visual cues aren’t limited to scribbled notes or phone alerts. They can be photos, messages, a calendar with meaningful dates, or even a doodle on your fridge.

These small reminders help your brain connect with the emotional meaning behind them. Seeing a picture of a friend might spark a warm memory or remind you to send a quick message. Simple, right? But for many of us, it’s often the difference between genuine connection and drifting apart.

Practical Strategies to Stay Connected

The good news is there are plenty of ways to keep those emotional bonds front of mind. It begins with self-awareness: notice when you start losing track of someone who matters.

• Set up phone alerts or calendar invites to call or text people you value.
• Place photos or notes where you’ll see them every day to revive those feelings of closeness.
• Schedule “emotional check-ins” with friends or family so it becomes a regular habit.
• Be honest with loved ones about your challenges, because they can help you stay grounded.

 

“You are not broken; your brain is wired differently.”

This reminder from Stephen highlights that we’re simply working with a different user manual. Communication and a few practical steps can go a long way.

• Forgive yourself if you lose focus. Guilt doesn’t help—it just pulls you farther away.
• Explain to friends or partners that if you drift, it’s not about them. Ask for patience and share your strategies.
• Keep visual goals, like a note on your mirror reminding you of who matters most, so you don’t forget in busy moments.

We all slip from time to time. What matters is recognising it quickly and making conscious moves to reconnect with the important people in our lives.

• Emotional object permanence affects many neurodiverse individuals.
• Visual cues keep relationships top of mind.
• ADHD and dyslexia can weaken working memory and emotional recall.
• Honest conversation with loved ones is key.
• Scheduling emotional check-ins can solidify bonds.
• Visual reminders, like photos or daily notes, keep emotions front and centre.
• Forgive yourself and remember your brain just has its own way of processing.

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If you’d like to hear more about managing emotional object permanence and uncovering better ways to connect, tune in to the full podcast episode above. You’ll find additional insights, real-life examples, and supportive advice to keep you on track. Give it a listen, and start building a better, more connected life today.