Why Dyslexic Adults Get Misunderstood in Conversations

Have you ever said something that felt crystal clear in your head, and the other person heard something completely different? And then you're the one getting pulled up for it, for something you didn't even say. Yeah, that one stings. Today we're talking about why that happens to us and what we can actually do about it. It's Stephen from the Truth About Dyslexia. Let's get into it.

Okay, so this episode actually came from our Right Brain Resetters group. One of our members, Craig, put up a post. He'd been talking with someone, and she took what he said completely differently to how he meant it. She challenged him on it, and he got frustrated because from where he was sitting, that's not what he said. And here's the bit that really got me. He said that since then, he's been less comfortable talking to her.

I read that and I just went, Yep, I know that feeling. I know it really, really well. And I reckon heaps of you listening know it too. So let's unpack it, because I think there's a lot going on here, more than just a bad conversation. Let's start with the picture in our heads. As dyslexics, we're visual thinkers.

When I've got an idea, I don't just have the words. I've got the whole movie, the context, the history, how I feel about it, where it's going. It's all there, fully built, in full colour. And then I open my mouth, and maybe 20% of it comes out. But here's the tricky part, because I can still see the other 80%. What I said feels completely obvious.

Like, of course you know what I mean. It's right there. Except it's not right there for them. It's right there for me. The other person doesn't have my picture. So what do they do?

They fill in the gaps. And they fill them in with their own experiences, their own history, their own stuff. So now you've got two people having what they think is one conversation, but actually they're having two completely different ones. Does that make sense? I talked about this a while back on the pictures in our heads, how our pictures can lie to us. And I think this is kind of the flip side of that.

It's not just that our pictures can be wrong, it's that other people can't see them at all. Okay, so then comes the emotional bit, and this is where it gets messy. But that's not what I meant. Being misunderstood is one of the most frustrating feelings there is, especially when you feel like you've literally just explained it. You used the words, you said the thing. How did they get that out of it?

And the natural reaction, well, my natural reaction anyway, is to defend, to go straight into proving what I actually meant. But here's something that took me a long time to get my head around. Intention and impact are not always the same thing. You can genuinely not have meant something a certain way, and the other person can genuinely have heard it that way. Both of those can be true at the same time. That was a big one for me, because for years I thought one of us had to be wrong.

And to be honest, I usually decided it was them. Ha, I'm right, you're wrong, I'm right, you're wrong. You know how it goes. But that thinking doesn't fix anything. It just digs the hole deeper. So here's the thing I actually said to Craig, and I reckon it's the most useful thing in this whole episode.

Ask them, What's your picture? That's it. Instead of jumping straight into defending yourself, get curious. Okay, what's your picture of what I just said? What did you hear? And then, and this is the hard part, actually listen.

Let them walk you through it. Try and step into their experience for a minute, because nine times out of ten, you'll suddenly see exactly how they got there. And you go, Oh, yeah, okay, I can see that. Not because either of you is wrong, just because you were both working off two totally different pictures. And for us visual thinkers, that question works really well, because we get pictures. We understand that everyone's carrying one around.

We're just not always great at remembering the other person has their own. Now, communication for us isn't just about the words either. It's the tone. It's the timing. It's the look on your face. It's how fast something comes out.

It's interrupting because you're scared you'll lose the thought if you don't say it right now. And it's that horrible feeling of the idea being so clear in your head, but you just can't find the right words to get it out. I talked about some of this in the Loving a Dyslexic Brain episode. Sometimes what we feel, what we intend, and what actually comes out of our mouth. They just aren't lined up. They're close, but they're not the same thing.

Let me paint a picture of how this plays out because I reckon you'll recognize it. Say you're at work. You tell a colleague, Can you have a look at that report when you get a chance? In your head, the picture is really clear. There's no rush. You just want a second set of eyes on it.

You're actually trying to be nice. But what do they hear? They hear, Drop everything. Something's wrong with your report. Or maybe, I don't trust you to get it right, because their picture is built from their stuff. Maybe their last boss used to say exactly that right before tearing strips off them.

So they come back a bit prickly, and you're sitting there going, What did I do? And here's the thing: nobody did anything wrong. Two people, two pictures, one sentence. Now flip it around. It happens at home too. Your partner asks, Did you get the milk?

and you hear, You forgot again, didn't you? When actually, they just wanted to know if they needed to go to the shop. Once you start noticing this, you'll see it everywhere. And honestly, it's a bit of a relief, because it means a lot of the conflict in our lives isn't about people not caring. It's about pictures not matching. Okay, this next bit is the one I think does the most damage, and I don't think we talk about it enough.

The second reaction can be way worse than the first misunderstanding. Think about how it plays out. The original misunderstanding is usually pretty small, tiny even. But then they challenge you. You feel misunderstood. You get defensive.

Your tone changes. They react to your tone. You react to their reaction. And now, now you're not even talking about the original thing anymore. You're arguing about the argument. I've done this so many times.

I've literally been in fights where 20 minutes in, neither of us could remember what started it. We were just fighting about how we were fighting. And for us, with dyslexia and ADHD, that emotional spike can come on so fast. Our pictures move quicker than words. By the time I've realized I'm upset, my brain's already gone down six rabbit holes and built a whole story about why this person doesn't respect me, which most of the time isn't even true. So if you can catch that second reaction, even just a little bit, you can stop a small thing turning into a big thing.

A breath. A pause. Hang on, let me have a think about that. That's it. It doesn't have to be fancy. Now I want to come back to what Craig said at the end, because honestly, I think that's the deepest part of his question.

He said he's less keen to communicate with her now, and I get that. I really do. When you get misunderstood enough times, something in you starts to go, Why bother? It's safer to just not say anything. Keep it short. Keep your head down.

A lot of us learnt that back in school. You put your hand up, you get it wrong, people laugh. So you stop putting your hand up. I did exactly that. And the problem is that withdrawal feels like protection, but it's actually costing you, because the less you communicate, the less that person gets to know how your brain works. And the less they know, the more misunderstandings you get.

It's a loop, and it's a pretty lonely one. So if you've noticed yourself pulling back from someone at work, at home, in a friendship, I just gently ask, is that protecting you or is it keeping you stuck? So what do we do instead? For me, it comes down to this: repair rather than prove. Instead of trying to prove you misunderstood me, try something like, I can see how you got there. That wasn't what I was trying to say.

Here's what I meant. And then maybe, How can we communicate this better next time? That's it. No winner, no loser, just two people trying to get on the same page. And the other thing I said to Craig was about telling that person, I value you, because sometimes the relationship matters way more than proving whose version was technically correct. You can be right and lonely, or you can let go of being right and actually stay connected.

I know which one I'd rather have these days. Took me a while though, a good while. So let's make this really practical. If you want something to try this week, here's what I'd give a go. Number one, notice the heat. When you feel that that's not what I said feeling rising up in your chest.

That's your cue. Don't fight it. Just notice it. Go, okay, there it is. Number two, ask the question, what's your picture? Or if that feels a bit weird to say out loud, try, Hey, what did you hear me say?

Same thing. You're just getting curious instead of defensive. Number three, fill in the missing 80%. Remember, they only got 20% of your picture, so give them a bit more: the context, why it matters to you, what you were actually trying to do, not to prove a point, just to help them see what you see. And if you want a bonus one, tell the people close to you how your brain works. I've said it before and I'll keep saying it.

When my wife understood that my pictures run at 100 miles an hour, it changed heaps for us. She's not guessing anymore, and I'm not feeling misunderstood all the time. It's not about being perfect at this. I still stuff it up regularly. But the more you practice, the quicker you catch it, and the quicker you catch it, the less damage the spiral does. Now, I want to be really clear on the bigger message here.

Understanding this stuff doesn't mean I'm dyslexic, so you have to understand me. That's not it. It means I know my brain communicates a bit differently, so what can I do to make this easier for both of us? That's self-awareness, and I say it all the time. Awareness is the best friend of a dyslexic. It really is.

And equally, the people around us can learn something too. Sometimes they need to ask one more question before deciding what we meant. Hey, did you mean this or that? One question can save a whole day of pain. Because the truth is, we're all walking around with completely different pictures in our heads. Everyone, not just us.

So maybe better communication isn't about getting better at proving our picture is right. Maybe it's about getting curious enough to see theirs. Big thanks to Craig for sharing that. Seriously, those real questions are what make this podcast. And if you want to be part of those conversations, come and join us in the Right Brain Resetters group. It's a community of dyslexic and ADHD thinkers, right-brain thinkers, all working this stuff out together.

Tools that actually work for our kind of brain. You can find it at rightbrainresetters. com. And if you haven't grabbed it yet, my book is out now on Amazon. It's called Dyslexia and ADHD Explained from the Inside: What I Wish They'd Told Me. It's everything I wish someone had said to me when I was younger.

Why dyslexia affects so much more than reading and spelling, and how to build a life that actually works for you. If this episode helped, send it to someone who needs it. A text, a WhatsApp, whatever. It really helps the podcast grow. Thanks for listening. Have an epic rest of your day, and I'll be back next week.